Vuh Shit Tree ~ Peter Wild

March 17, 2007

Part 1 Vere ‘s zis tree down by vuh canal and vuh tree was full of shit. When I say shit I don’t mean actual shit I mean shit what people ‘d froan away. Shit like irons and kettles vat dint work no more. Shit like fuckin bubble wrap and what do you call it, polyfene. Vere were vese long polyfene choobs sortof hanging over some of vuh lower branches. Noo-Noo said dey lookt like elbow length gloves left behind after some swanky party or summat but I fought vey lookt more like arms what had been chopped off. Someone had even tossed an old bike frame into vuh tree and from where weed sit you’d fink vuh bike ‘d burrowed its way in, deep.  

Vere ‘s other shit too, shit I dint see at first, shit what Noo-Noo had to point out to me. Vuh bloody mice frinstance. Not vat vere were bloody mice in vuh tree. Bloody mice is just what Noo-Noo called em. Vere were bits of cotton with tails, bits of cotton what had been soaked in blood, lookt like. When youd seen em once you cunt miss em. Noo-Noo said vat vuh bloody mice lived inside of my mum and my mum flung em out once a month and veyd all scurry down to vuh shit tree cos vey were glad to be out of my mum but Ide just tell her to shut up. Shut up Noo-Noo, Ide say. Vat usually did vuh trick.  Anuvva why vuh shit tree was callt vuh shit tree – all vuh dogs vat get walked down by vuh canal liked to do veir business in among vee exposed roots at vuh foot of vuh shit tree. Noo-Noo reckoned dat it wus duh smell. Vuh shit tree stunk. Noo-Noo reckoned vat duh dogs got a whiff of vuh shit tree and nen ney cunt help emselves, dey had to go. And – dis is Noo-Noo as well – cos dogs are essentially clean and decent and polite creatures, dey go where duh other dogs have been so as not to make vuh mess any worse. If people were like dogs, Noo-Noo ‘d say some’imes when she ‘s off on one, dee whole world would be a much better place.  

Vuh shit tree really did smell bad. It want just vuh shit. Vere ‘s another smell underneath vuh shit. Sometimes I used to fink it ‘s vuh bloody mice mixing with vuh shit but uvver times I fought it were somefin else. Vuh smell was so bad. Like a fire. You know when you walk twards a fire and you can only get so close cos of vuh heat and vuh smoke and you have to lift your arm up and cover your eyes to stop vuh fire and vuh smoke from making you sick or burning your eyebrows off or somefin. Vuh shit tree was a bit like nat. All vose people walking veir dogs had to stand off by vee edge of vuh canal while vuh dogs did veir business. Even me and Noo-Noo cunt get close. Whenever we tried we always had to stop cos vuh smell made us wanna gip.  Even saying everyfin what Ive said voh I still fought vat vuh shit tree was sort of magical. I know how gay vat sounds. But. So many days vat summer before vuh last year of school me and Noo-Noo and sometimes Scarfy and Doughnut but mostly me and Noo-Noo played down by vuh canal and whatever we were doing vere were always times when Ide look down at vuh tree from up on vee embankment and see vuh shit tree for what it really was. What it really was was magic. Me and Noo-Noo ‘d sit vere an squint an say what we could see like in vat quiz show mi gran liked to watch. Ide squint and say summat like about how vuh bloody mice were in fact candles, candles like what youd find on vuh King of Noway’s Christmas tree. An Noo-Noo ‘d squint and say vat vuh polyfene choobs were like some kind of alien tinsel. Or duh bubble wrap was angel hair. Or vuh bike was a sort of clunky, mechanical Father Christmas. Weed go on for hours some’imes. If we stayed late enough, vuh cars from duh motorway gave us fairy lights. Its probably hard for you to see or even fink about but vere were definitely times when vuh shit tree was beautiful. Beautiful and magic.  

And we weren’t alone in finking what we fought.  Apart from duh people who walked veir dogs we dint really see anyone else down vuh canal. Vat was one of vuh reasons why it was so great down dere. Was our kingdom. Me and Noo-Noo were vuh King and Queen of vuh Canal. We did what we liked and want no-one around to say oy or stop it or leave off or anyfin. We did as we liked. Even after duh summer was over if we bunked offof school we’d be down vuh canal fucking about. Vuh canal was like our second home or summat. Was a place we could go to to get away from whatever else was happening. Cos it was just duh two of us voh or vuh free of us sometimes if Scarfy was along or vuh four of us if duh Doughnut man was around and cos we knew vuh lay of vuh land anyone else who loitered stuck out like what mi mam would call a sore fumb.  

Which is why, when we started seeing sore fumbs all vuh time, it became like vuh most important fing vat had ever happened in vuh history of time. I say vuh most important fing. We’re pretty stupid, me and Noo-Noo. We’re pretty stupid cos it took us ages to do vuh maths. You know what I mean when I say vuh maths dont you? Two an two an two an two. Stuff you add up to work summat owt. When I say it took me an Noo-Noo ages to do vuh maths I mean vat it took us ages to put everyfin togevver. We started seeing sore fumbs every day. We’d be in vuh middle of some’ing and Noo-Noo’d say, Fumb. She’d say Fumb, I’d say Where? and she’d say Vere! like as if I was stupid. Or sometimes I’d say Fumb and she’d say Where? and I’d say Vere! like as if it was her what was stupid and not me. We took it in turns, mostly. We’d see vuh fumb and we’d stop what we were doing and we’d watch for as long as it took vuh fumb to passus by and ven weed get back to doing what it was weed been doing before vuh fumb came along.  I cant say as why we dint follow any of em. I dont spose we fought vere was anyfin more to it van sore fumbs walking by. We just dint is vee only answer I have to give you.  

Summat happened voh – summat what I’ll tell you about in a minute right, if you just old your horses a bit – and after vuh summat happened, me and Noo-Noo talked about all vuh fumbs and we boaf of us fought vere ‘d been more to vuh fumbs all along, we just dint fink to mention it to one anuvva, you know? After vuh summat happened, it was obvious wot all vuh fumbs were doing. But until vuh summat it want obvious. If you follow me.  Anyway. Vuh summat wot happened was vis:


4 Responses to “Vuh Shit Tree ~ Peter Wild”

  1. Part 1 of 4 from the marvellous Peter Wild!! Visit his excellent site:

    Karen Welsh

  2. actually reminds me of the way Will Self writes (go and read Book of Dave)

  3. Peter I like this a LOT, really cool, makes me think you might be open to my experimental stuff

  4. […] vuh shit tree by peter wild ~ part one part two part three part four […]

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